


Good bye, Spencer Hawke

by blankvellum



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Aggressive Hawke, Angst, Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Heartbreak, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-06
Updated: 2015-12-06
Packaged: 2018-05-05 04:45:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5361890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blankvellum/pseuds/blankvellum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fenris comes to Skyhold to confront the Inquisitor after Hawke is left in the Fade.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Good bye, Spencer Hawke

A/N - Hey! I really worked hard on this and enjoyed writing it! Nervous about Fenris not being in character, I tried! This is also helps me cope with my decision to leave this Hawke in the Fade.

Fenris, 

If you’re reading this letter on your own, I am very proud of you. You’ve come a long way. The siege on Adamant was mainly a success. However, there was an incident that left Hawke, The inquisitor, Warden Loghain, and a few others in the Fade. There was only one way out, blocked by some creature of the Fade. There needed to be a distraction and well… you know Hawke. He always had to be the hero. He… stayed behind. Hawke’s gone, Fenris. I’m so sorry. I wish there was more I can say other than that. I’m here if you need me. 

Your friend, 

Varric 

Fenris had read and reread that letter more times than he could count. He should have made it here sooner, should have only waited a day and then headed after Hawke. Maybe then…. It hurt too much to think like that. He knew Hawke always had to be the hero, save the day. Had, there it was, past tense. The future ahead didn’t look too bright without Spencer Hawke in it. “Fenris, please.” Hawke had pleaded with him when Fenris refused to let him go alone, his voice breaking. He looked so broken. Fenris had never seen him like that, not since Leandra had died. He had realized in that moment that he was being selfish. Hawke had lost so much, lost so much of his family, he couldn’t bear to lose anyone else. He could do this one thing for Hawke, after all Hawke had done for him, for everyone. 

Then there it was, Skyhold. It was like nothing he had ever seen before, but he was not going to just stand there gawking. That was not what he had come here for. The rest of the way seemed to take forever, despite the fact that it seemed so close. It was a relief when he had finally reached the gates. He scarcely noticed the two guards standing there. 

“State your name and business, Ser.” One of them said. 

“I am here to see the Inquisitor and my name is not important.” Fenris stated coolly. It was not as if he was an expected guest, what did it matter? 

“Ser, we’ll need to get your name.” One of them said. 

The anger boiling inside him was threatening to rise, but he had to suppress it, otherwise he would not be able to see the Inquisitor. “Fenris.” 

The reaction he got was not expected. “Ah, Fenris. Inquisitor Lavellan has been expecting you.” He could hardly fathom why. Each one took a hold of arm. 

He immediately went on the defensive. “Don’t. Touch. Me.” He snarled, violently pulling way from their grasp. 

“All right, ser, then please follow us.” The two guards walked on either side of him, leading him through the courtyard. There were a lot of people here, more than he had expected. It was no wonder, the place was quite impressive. He was led up the two sets of stairs before stepping into the Great Hall. There he saw Varric and beside him a dark skinned elf whom he assumed was the Inquisitor. The guards stopped short in front of them, bowing their heads respectfully before moving aside. 

Varric had a smile on his face and lifted up his arms enthusiastically. “Broody, I knew you’d find your way here.” 

“Yes, well, it was not hard.” Fenris replied. He then got a good look at this Inquisitor, definitely not who he had imagined in his head, certainly not an elf. The elf had dark skin, black hair pulled into a pony tail, and grey eyes. His vallasin was a few shades lighter than his skin. He had a gentle, welcoming smile on his face, but Fenris found it hard to be warm to someone who had left Hawke to die. 

“Fenris, welcome! I’m Inquisitor Lorsan Lavellan. I prefer to just go by Lorsan, but nobody calls me that.” The Inquisitor then handed him a bottle, that he had not previously realized he was holding. “Varric told me that you liked this wine.” 

“Is this a bribe to keep me quiet?” Fenris questioned. 

“No. It’s a gift. You do not have to take it.” Lavellan said. 

“No, I will take it. Thank you.” Fenris said hesitantly then Lavellan immediately handed it over to him. He certainly would be needing a drink at some point. 

“I trust your trip here went smoothly?” Lavellan asked. 

“It was fine.” He answered shortly. Fenris was hardly in the mood for pleasantries, though rarely was he ever. The fact that the Inquisitor was so nonchalant about everything irritated him. Though he supposed that was irrational seeing as he had barely known Hawke. “I would like to talk in private, Inquisitor.” Fenris looked to Varric as if cueing him to leave. 

The Inquisitor nodded. “Of course.” He then turned to Varric “If you would excuse us, Varric.” 

“Of course, Inquisitor.” Varric looked to Fenris. “I will be at the tavern, you should join me after, meet some people.” 

“I will think about it.” Fenris said, though he really didn’t think he’d want to. Varric nodded and took his leave. 

“Come then, let’s go for a walk around. I would hate for you to miss out on the spectacular view.” The Inquisitor said and started walking, Fenris kept pace beside him. “I know this may not mean much to you, but I’m very sorry for your loss.” He did look sincere and other any other circumstance Fenris would have gotten along with him just fine, but he found it hard to let himself at this moment. 

“I find that hard to believe, Inquisitor. You made a choice and if you were truly sorry then Hawke would still be here.” They were passing through what he assumed was the library, they passed by a bald headed elf who was studying an objecting intently. 

Lavellan was quiet for a moment as they walked through the garden and up a set of stairs. “I understand. It was not an easy choice to make.” 

“Have you ever lost someone you loved, Inquisitor? Someone you loved more than anything?” Fenris asked, watching him carefully as Lavellan stopped in his tracks. 

The Inquisitor’s mouth formed a thin line before he responded quietly, “No, I have not.” 

“Then I doubt you truly understand how I’m feeling.” 

“I didn’t know Hawke for very long, but from what I saw he was a good man. He was a man who knew what he wanted out of life, who could make the tough decisions, a true leader. The Inquisitor stopped, giving Fenris an opportunity to fully enjoy the view. They were over looking the courtyard and to the left were the Frostback Mountains. “He also cared about you a great deal.” 

He felt a lump form in his throat, it was truly hard to hate this man. It pained Fenris to hear Hawke talked about in past tense, still felt so strange. “You are very perceptive and kind, Inquisitor. Yet you still found that he was not worthy enough to be saved.” That may have been uncalled for, but Fenris didn’t come here to be polite. He came here to speak his mind, let the Inquisitor truly know what he had done, who he had hurt in addition to Varric. 

The Inquisitor still seemed to keep his cool, didn’t seem to be angry, just sympathetic. “It did not come down to worthiness. It was a split second decision. I can not weight whether one man deserves to live over another because everyone deserves to live. Hawke was insistent on staying, I fear he still would have stayed even if I had chosen Warden Loghain instead. I think it ate at him that he hadn’t truly defeated Corypheus.” He then paused and sighed, looked to be contemplating on whether he should say it or not. He let out another breath and then continued on though it looked like it pained him. “When we were in the Fade the Fear Demon was taunting everyone, with their worst fears. The Fear Demon had said to Hawke that you were going to die, just like everyone else he had loved. That really angered him and he seemed to be determined to be the one to end this once and for all. 

“That fool.” Fenris muttered, though there was a hint of fondness in his voice that he could not hide. Hawke was angered by a lot of things in general, but threatening his loved ones really set him off. Hawke cared, though he didn’t show it the way most people do. His actions rung more true to his feelings than his words ever did. Hawke had never been anything, but patient with Fenris, he never pushed him to do anything he didn’t want to do. The man respectfully backed off of Fenris for three years, it was always Fenris’ call. 

“If there’s anything we can do for you Fenris-“ Fenris stopped him short. 

“No. I just wish to be alone.” 

“There is one more thing I’d like to show you.” Lavellan said and Fenris humored him and followed. They stopped at a door. “This was… is Hawke’s room. It has gone untouched since he left. I figured, maybe you would like to see it.” 

“I would like that. Thank you, Inquisitor. Truly.” Fenris said. He couldn't pretend to hate him anymore, couldn't give this man anymore of a hard time than he has already.

Lorsan smiled, “Of course, you are welcome here any time, Fenris, and can stay as long as you like.” Was this man truly real? He’d never met a person so genuinely kind before. “Until then, I’ll leave you here. I have a meeting with my advisers, we’re heading to Halamshiral in a few weeks.” 

Fenris nodded, his hand almost touching the door handle, he took a deep breath, touched the handle and opened the door. The door closed behind him. Everything did indeed look untouched, some of Hawke’s clothes were on the floor, he was glad that at least he would have something of his, other than the Amell family crest he wore proudly. He moved over to Hawke’s bed, there were papers no- letters. Each had names on them Aveline, Merrill, Varric, Isabela, and his own. He opened it. 

Fenris, 

If you’re reading this then I am gone, dead most likely. I’m not sure what is going to happen at Adamant, but I figured I’d write out these letters just in case. What pains me the most is knowing that you are in pain and I am sorry for that, you don’t deserve this. If I am going to die this is how I’d want it to be – alone and doing something I know is my duty. I need to finish whatever this is, whatever mess that has been created because of my incompetence. I have many regrets in my life, but being with you is not one of them. We should have been together longer, we should have had more time. There’s never enough time. Please, do a few more things for me. Take care of yourself, live life, make happiness for yourself, do something meaningful whatever that might be. Check up on Varric every once in awhile will you? He acts like he’s fine, but that doesn’t mean he is. Also make sure these letters get to everyone. 

I love you, 

Hawke 

Damn that man, even in death he made him feel so much. That letter was almost too much to bear, the last he would ever hear from him. Fenris opened his bottle of wine and took a long swig. He was going to need a lot of this, he’d probably end up going to find some more wine or whatever will help him numb the pain. What was he going to do now? He’d have to think about that later.


End file.
